what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
