omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
