I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
