I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
