It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
