did you get engaged???
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
