cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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