we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
