I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
