Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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