I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
