so that wasnt chicken after all
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
