then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
