I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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