shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
