Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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