walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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