don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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