I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
