$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
