tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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