Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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