Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
