I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
if only i could text you this smell
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
