So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
