I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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