i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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