life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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