just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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