Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
