Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
