I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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