So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
