i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
