are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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