i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
