Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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