We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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