look no pants
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
