Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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