your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
