this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
