My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
