my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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