Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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