I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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