You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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