Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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