I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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