I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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