he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I supernannyed him into submission
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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