I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
