All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
