I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I will be naked everywhere
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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