Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
