Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
