matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize