I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
