You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
