My first STD was from a foam party
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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