He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize