Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
