You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
