She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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