Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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